Missing you....

I'm really missing my brother Doug today. He's been gone for over 10 years now but there are days when it feels like just yesterday he was still here. Doug and I were close. As kids, he would have to watch over me and my other brother Charles. That might not sound like much for a kid to do but Charles and I fought like Democrats and Republicans. Doug had lots of opportunities to interveine between the two of us. Charles was always name calling or provoking me and I was always looking for a way to retaliate. We spent alot of time without direct adult supervision (Mom worked at the hospital and Dad worked at the garage) so I think I looked at Doug as more of a parent than a sibling. Doug would let me know when I was getting out of line but he would also provide a sense of safety when things didnt seem to make sense. As we aged, and my problems matured along with me. Doug was always able to help me see both the good and the bad in every situation. I could tell him ANYTHING and he would never flip out (even though i'm sure I gave him plenty of material to flip out with). The deal was always that I could tell him anything BUT, in exchange, I would have to listen to his opinion or analysis of the situation regaurdless of whether I liked what I was hearing or not. In other words, we were always brutally honest with each other. Oddly enough, I always expected his honesty so I usually never had an issue with what he had to say. ------------------------------- There weren't too many people like him in my world, that's for sure. Not only was he great at honesty, he was good at teaching me to be proud of who I was. He always told me to focus on being the kind of person I was, instead of getting all caught up in what everyone else thought I should be. I remember thinking that it was silly advice at the time but boy has it proven to be good advice. ------------------------------- I felt betrayed by him only once in my whole life. That was when I had found out he was gay. I had been totally honest with him my entire life and he had been keeping this from me. I didn't understand it all then, but as the years passed, the betrayal I felt about it turned to understanding. He explained it to me once and I remember feeling awful for accusing him of betrayal. He said he had not told me because I was the only person he felt understood him, and that I had never once judged who he was. He was afraid of loosing that. ------------------------------- I can only imagine what he must have gone through. We lived in a tiny litle town, full of racist, judgemental white people. The local family practicioner had even once asked him to "explain" his sexual tendencies because the doctor just didn't understand. Our other brothers were afraid to be around him. People feared having their children within feet of him and many other people spent hours trying to convince him that "his ways" were the way of Satan. ------------------------------------- Doug left our hometown to go to the city. It was if once he went to the city, this would all dissapear and not be an "issue" anymore. Out of sight out of mind I guess. For awhile that's exactly what happened. Doug would come home for visits now and then but nothing about his life was ever discussed. I can't imagine how that must have made him feel. ------------------------------------- Over the next few years, there began to be some normalcy in our lives again: once everyone realized he wasn't a freak. Doug would come home for visits, occassionally with a boyfriend and slowly we got to know who Doug really was....all along. ------------------------------------ I was so proud of him for coming out. There was someone in my life that actualy practiced what they preached. From that time on, there were never any other moments of betrayal or hurt....only love and honesty. ------------------------------------- I could go on and on about Doug...but I think you get the point. He was my brother and I loved him. With all.my.heart. I miss him every day in some way. I feel blessed to have had such a close relationship with him.